You never thought it could happen to you. Other people have cheating husbands… but not you. It’s a shocking, frightening and humiliating discovery.
You have a cheating husband at home.
Now you begin to wrestle with all of those obsessive thoughts and questions after the initial shock and devastation.
The most haunting questions are: Why did he cheat on me? Why do cheaters cheat? Is she better than me? Will he cheat again? How do I prevent that?
From interviews, research and blind surveys, these are the top seven reasons given by for cheating by cheating husbands.
1. “My needs are not being satisfied inside the relationship.” He thinks that it’s OK to satisfy his needs elsewhere. He is wrong of course.
2. “I never learned how to respect boundaries.” He knows that they are out there, obviously. He just doesn’t honor or respect those boundaries and doesn’t hesitate to jump over them.
3. “I have sexual fantasies I can’t share with my partner.” Sometimes he can’t share them, and sometimes he did share them but his partner cannot participate in them. So he goes elsewhere to fulfill them.
4. “I’m not wired to turn down sexual offers or invitations.” He thinks that he’s ‘not being a man’ if he turns down sex, especially by someone who is attractive.
5. “I have low self esteem.” He feels flattered and his self esteem is boosted when he finds out that someone else finds him attractive.
6. “My partner doesn’t make me feel anted.” He cheats because he thinks that someone else can make him feel special and fill this perceived void.
7. “I can’t really commit to anyone”. Now he tells you. He says he has a damaged sense of commitment, although he probably would not admit to you at first.
I have no doubt that this has already raised some hackles. Why? Because there is absolutely no excuse or ‘reason’ for a husband to cheat on his wife.
All of these reasons why your man cheated have one thing they common: They all think that going outside the relationship is going to satisfy needs they feel are not being met at home.
That being said, most of the time, these are NOT the real reasons. They are simply justifications a cheating husband uses to make sense of their betrayal… for you and for themselves.
These seven reasons are the classic rationales for cheating husbands.
But what is really going through a man’s mind when he becomes a cheating husband?
I suggest that there are seven ‘other ‘reasons.’
I also propose that these may actually be closer to the truth on how cheating husbands justify their actions.
1. Not enough sexual desire, passion, or interest from his wife. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he’s just a sex-crazed male. Of course, if this is her attitude, then the wife is rarely in the mood. She has decided her sexuality isn’t important to her at this time in her life so she just undermines it…and expects her husband to do too.
2. He feels his wife prioritizes him as LAST and LEAST in her life. She puts the kids as first and foremost. Her mother and sisters are a close behind in second place. Her friends and coworkers are in third place. And after all of that, she just doesn’t have any time, energy or interest in much of anything else.
3. He can never measure up to those men in his wife’s live. Dad or her boss or her brother is the smartest, wisest man ever… and he’s the village idiot.
4. His wife thinks the kids are her ‘property”.’ She is the only one who gets to call all the shots regarding the kids. If this is close to the truth, her entire world revolves around the kid’s school, activities, friends, etc.
5. He feels his wife expects a lot from him; and gives back as little as possible to him in return. And complains about what little she does give him. He says his wife simply doesn’t see what his needs are… and if she does, they just aren’t important to her.
6. Money is always an issue. His wife spends all of the money… but complains there is nothing being set aside for the future…and insinuates he’s a poor provider for not having more.
7. And all of these ‘reasons’… plus plenty of other attitudes and behaviors…ranging from disrespectful to devaluing to irritating to being downright nasty… add up to an EXHAUSTING DRAIN on the husband. He eventually decides the grass is indeed greener somewhere else.
Just to remind you – these were probably closer to the actually thinking (and feelings) behind most cheating husbands. Imagine all of the pain that could be avoided if he just told his wife these things.
But now here’s the kicker: If your husband told you just ONE of these reasons… what would you say or do? Would you get defensive? Would you argue that you are not like that?
This is the truth: Most couple’s talk at a surface level. They completely hide, avoid and deny the deeper core issues that really matter. These issues often fester for years. But… if you were to ask your husband right now if he’s happy being married to you, he would undoubtedly tell you he is.
Now, you should understand that your husband probably has a hard time being direct, open, and honest with you… just like you may also have difficulty being open with him about some things.
So at the risk of sounding harsh or even hypocritical, go back and look at ALL of the second set of reasons given by cheating husbands.
To repeat: NOTHING can justify being unfaithful. But… is it possible there could be mitigating circumstances?
In the legal system, ‘mitigating circumstances’ are conditions which do not excuse or justify criminal conduct, but they are taken into account out of fairness and mercy due to circumstances. Example: a young man shoots his father after years of being beaten, belittled and emotionally abused. “Heat of passion” or “diminished capacity” are forms of such mitigating circumstances.
Is it possible there were mitigating circumstances with your cheating husband?
Not being able to see our own faults – much less admit them to others – is one of the hallmarks of imperfect humans. And it is probably the number one reason we get ourselves into so much trouble.
One more time: NOTHING can justify being unfaithful.
But… those damn mitigating circumstances…
I’m just sayin’…