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Cheating Husbands: Seven Reasons Why They Do It

You never thought it could happen to you. Other people have cheating husbands… but not you. It’s a shocking, frightening and humiliating discovery.

You have a cheating husband at home.

Now you begin to wrestle with all of those obsessive thoughts and questions after the initial shock and devastation.

The most haunting questions are: Why did he cheat on me? Why do cheaters cheat? Is she better than me? Will he cheat again? How do I prevent that?

From interviews, research and blind surveys, these are the top seven reasons given by for cheating by cheating husbands.

1. “My needs are not being satisfied inside the relationship.” He thinks that it’s OK to satisfy his needs elsewhere. He is wrong of course.

2. “I never learned how to respect boundaries.” He knows that they are out there, obviously. He just doesn’t honor or respect those boundaries and doesn’t hesitate to jump over them.

3. “I have sexual fantasies I can’t share with my partner.” Sometimes he can’t share them, and sometimes he did share them but his partner cannot participate in them. So he goes elsewhere to fulfill them.

4. “I’m not wired to turn down sexual offers or invitations.” He thinks that he’s ‘not being a man’ if he turns down sex, especially by someone who is attractive.

5. “I have low self esteem.” He feels flattered and his self esteem is boosted when he finds out that someone else finds him attractive.

6. “My partner doesn’t make me feel anted.” He cheats because he thinks that someone else can make him feel special and fill this perceived void.

7. “I can’t really commit to anyone”. Now he tells you. He says he has a damaged sense of commitment, although he probably would not admit to you at first.

I have no doubt that this has already raised some hackles. Why? Because there is absolutely no excuse or ‘reason’ for a husband to cheat on his wife.

All of these reasons why your man cheated have one thing they common: They all think that going outside the relationship is going to satisfy needs they feel are not being met at home.

That being said, most of the time, these are NOT the real reasons. They are simply justifications a cheating husband uses to make sense of their betrayal… for you and for themselves.

These seven reasons are the classic rationales for cheating husbands.

But what is really going through a man’s mind when he becomes a cheating husband?

I suggest that there are seven ‘other ‘reasons.’

I also propose that these may actually be closer to the truth on how cheating husbands justify their actions.

1. Not enough sexual desire, passion, or interest from his wife. Her attitude is that if she’s not in the mood, then he’s just a sex-crazed male. Of course, if this is her attitude, then the wife is rarely in the mood.  She has decided her sexuality isn’t important to her at this time in her life so she just undermines it…and expects her husband to do too.

2. He feels his wife prioritizes him as LAST and LEAST in her life. She puts the kids as first and foremost. Her mother and sisters are a close behind in second place. Her friends and coworkers are in third place. And after all of that, she just doesn’t have any time, energy or interest in much of anything else.

3. He can never measure up to those men in his wife’s live. Dad or her boss or her brother is the smartest, wisest man ever… and he’s the village idiot.

4. His wife thinks the kids are her ‘property”.’ She is the only one who gets to call all the shots regarding the kids. If this is close to the truth, her entire world revolves around the kid’s school, activities, friends, etc.

5. He feels his wife expects a lot from him; and gives back as little as possible to him in return. And complains about what little she does give him. He says his wife simply doesn’t see what his needs are… and if she does, they just aren’t important to her.

6. Money is always an issue. His wife spends all of the money… but complains there is nothing being set aside for the future…and insinuates he’s a poor provider for not having more.

7. And all of these ‘reasons’… plus plenty of other attitudes and behaviors…ranging from disrespectful to devaluing to irritating to being downright nasty… add up to an EXHAUSTING DRAIN on the husband. He eventually decides the grass is indeed greener somewhere else.

Just to remind you – these were probably closer to the actually thinking (and feelings) behind most cheating husbands. Imagine all of the pain that could be avoided if he just told his wife these things.

But now here’s the kicker: If your husband told you just ONE of these reasons… what would you say or do? Would you get defensive? Would you argue that you are not like that?

This is the truth: Most couple’s talk at a surface level. They completely hide, avoid and deny the deeper core issues that really matter. These issues often fester for years. But… if you were to ask your husband right now if he’s happy being married to you, he would undoubtedly tell you he is.

Now, you should understand that your husband probably has a hard time being direct, open, and honest with you… just like you may also have difficulty being open with him about some things.

So at the risk of sounding harsh or even hypocritical, go back and look at ALL of the second set of reasons given by cheating husbands.

To repeat: NOTHING can justify being unfaithful. But… is it possible there could be mitigating circumstances?

In the legal system, ‘mitigating circumstances’ are conditions which do not excuse or justify criminal conduct, but they are taken into account out of fairness and mercy due to circumstances.  Example: a young man shoots his father after years of being beaten, belittled and emotionally abused. “Heat of passion” or “diminished capacity” are forms of such mitigating circumstances.

Is it possible there were mitigating circumstances with your cheating husband?

Not being able to see our own faults – much less admit them to others – is one of the hallmarks of imperfect humans. And it is probably the number one reason we get ourselves into so much trouble.

One more time: NOTHING can justify being unfaithful.

But… those damn mitigating circumstances…

I’m just sayin’…

 

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How To Get Your Husband Back

If you’re asking yourself this question, then your husband has either physically or emotionally left the marriage. However, you don’t want a divorce or separation and you are wondering how to get your husband back.

Contrary to what some people believe, it is absolutely possible to save a marriage when you’re the only one who wants to do so.  Obviously your husband is going to have to ‘get on board’ eventually. But no matter what the situation is between you and your husband, from being on trial separation, constant fighting, detachment between both of you to him even leaving you, it’s still possible to save your marriage.

Step One:  Don’t Panic.

This seems so obvious, but it’s the number one mistake that wives make.  Anytime the words “divorce,” “trial separation,” or “splitting up,” are even hinted at, wives panic.  And when they panic, they go into overdrive and act in ways that are not typical of them and can seem very unattractive to their husbands.

I understand why we do this because I did it too. Your thoughts are telling you that the longer your husband is gone, the harder it is going to be win him back.  So, you feel like you have to do something drastic immediately to change his mind and get him home.  While this thinking seems to make sense, it will drive you to do desperate things that will really push your husband further away.

A wife who acts irrationally and panicked and who’s calling, texting, following, or arguing all of the time is going to be a wife that a husband wants to get away from that much more.  Don’t fall into this trap and panic.  It will hurt your chances of getting your husband back more than it helps them.

Step Two: Set The Stage For Getting The Feelings Back By Finding Something You Can Agree On.

The biggest thing in how to get your husband back is often not what most people think.  Most people assume that external factors like another woman is keeping their husband away. Or sometimes, insurmountable problems, stress in general, or financial difficulties. All of these things are a symptom of a problem marriage; it’s not the real cause.  The real reason husbands often leave is that they’ve lost the feelings that the relationship used to give them.  They no longer feel intimate and connected; they don’t know how to or don’t want to (at least right now) retrieve these positive feelings.

To get your husband back, you need to get the feelings to return as quickly as you can (without taking drastic, unbecoming actions.)  You’ll never get close to your husband if he’s always avoiding you or isn’t receptive to you.

You don’t want to be on opposite sides or be arguing with him or be confrontational. Instead, you want to be on his side (or at least make him think that you are). You do this by agreeing with him. Of course, what you chose to agree upon will depend upon your situation.  You may agree that the marriage needs work, or that he needs a break, or you may just pretend to agree with what he states is the cause of “wanting out.”

Before you become too resistant to trying this, remember you’re doing it as a way to ultimately get what you want.  Ask yourself if you’d rather be right all the time or if you’d rather be happy.  Don’t let anger or holding on to injustices keep you from reaching your goal.

Understand that pretending to agree with your husband will immediately lessen any anger, tension, or awkwardness and this will put you in a much better place to repair your marriage.

Step Three: Make Your Husband Want To Come Back To You By  Presenting The Best Version Of Yourself.

Once you’ve at least pretended to agree and your husband and he becomes more receptive to you, then, every chance you get, you want to present him with the woman he first fell in love with.

This can be tricky.  You don’t want to be that nagging, hanging on wife that we discussed earlier. The one who follows him around or acts like she is trying too hard. Your husband can’t suspect or think that that you’re playing insincere games or have some sinister plan to get him back.  If he does, he’ll just become more resistant and the process will be harder.

Instead, you want to demonstrate that although you love your husband and very much want him back, you also love yourself enough to live your life as the attractive, intriguing, interesting, busy, full-of-life woman he first fell in love with.

This means that you get out and see friends, you pursue old hobbies and the things that made you happy, and you work on yourself.  I promise this will bring your husband closer to you rather than further away.  He’s likely going to become intrigued and wonder what is up with this new you. Please think about the woman your husband first fell in love with and honestly evaluate how far you are from her today and make adjustments.

And, I’m not just talking about looks and youth.  In fact, that’s really the least important thing (although you should absolutely look your personal best when you interact with your husband).  What’s most important is that you’re able to return the positive, loving, and empathetic feelings that made your husband want to marry you in the first place. This will make getting him back so much easier. The truth is, you’re probably closer to getting your husband back than you think.

Why? Because you’ve already made him fall in love with you once.  Therefore, you intuitively know what you have to do to make your husband fall in love with you again.

So, get moving.  And reintroduce yourself, (so you can eventually reintroduce your husband) to your old, engaging, loving, captivating self. Because in the end, (if you play your cards right and implement these methods in a convincing way), this is how to get your husband back

How do I know this? Because I lived it. I had to use this approach to get my husband back when I trying to save my marriage – and was the only one who wanted to. I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually I was able to change course and regain my husband’s interest.

Over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and get him back.

By Leslie Cane

Leslie found the information at The Magic of Making Up to be both helpful and inspirational in saving her marriage.

 

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The Language of Desire

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